10:55pm

Vapor Wave Freestyle Entry

I wonder if he knows how free he made me feel. I would want to believe he wasn’t mocking my shame.

The liberation I felt was enough to make me finally break loyalty for good with my in and out lover. Never owed him that anyways. The way this man treated me as if he owned me all the while knowing I was still fucking said lover made me want jump at his command. Submit. I can admit that I loved the unspoken jealousy it provoked within said lover. I wish he could have seen the way dude asked me why i needed more dick at 3am in the morning while fucking me on my bedroom floor under red light. My orgasms would remind me of how I wrote him of as one of those “i can do anything i touch” Capricorn nerds, little did I know he would be doing me well. Devilish. Yummy is what I would call it after our sessions. Sessions, because it felt like more than just fucking. He felt like therapy to me just as much as he would say my head was. All in my head..

All this pleasure often came with an emotional cost equaling what felt like a lack thereof. Within months I knew I loved him. Gone. Within months I knew I loved him again despite the responsibilities. How could he ever love a liability? How could I ever be an asset with all the milk we both spilled? He once said we were as intense as a shot gun with emotional side effects - with his dick stuffed in my mouth.

Would it be fair to ask how we got here?

Only a fond for a love. Unrequited because maybe I’m a crying dove. Anything but peace because he called me chaos.

Tears I cried never seemed to move him so I felt better leaving the room because he could not read the room. How did we get that deep just to be here all frigid and spaced out? How could he press his body weight so deep within me just to pretend it never happened?

I reflect tonight as the last few days.. for the first time.. i missed his physical imprint.

Not just his dick…our sessions, but the way his body felt against mine.

I miss the shit that he would talk to claim later he didn’t remember.

I knew these moments would be fleeting.

I thought we had all the time that he told me we shouldn’t waste. I knew he preferred a slower pace but the way he would go cold made me feel like I had to race to feel his essence.

How the fuck did we get here?

He would say its all my fault..